She was drunk, driving on the wrong side of the freeway headed straight at Me in the southbound lanes that late afternoon. Paula Jean Brown was so intoxicated that she had entered the freeway going in the wrong direction. She didn't know what day it was and later bought her way out of jail after paying a fine. She got away with a cut on her nose that fateful afternoon of April 28,1988. I on the other hand, did not walk away unscathed.

Oh God, No!!  I cried and in a split second, leaned and yanked the steering wheel as hard as I could to the right. SMASH is all I remember hearing and I saying, "God, Help!" while being engulfed in indescribable fear as the steering wheel was ripped from my grasp and we careened off the highway. My car finally came to rest in a field along the freeway.  My friend was already out of the car, running to check the condition of person in the other vehicle. I began checking myself for injuries as my head cleared from the shock of the impact. I was ripped open and bleeding under the left arm extending across my breast and my feet were in really bad shape. I remember the impact and the inability to breath as the wind was knocked out of me. I never lost consciousness during the the impact. As you can see the drivers side was sheered off where I was seated. I was helped from the wreck by my friend, another man who stopped, and his wife who had a blanket to lay me on from their trunk. Bless that couple!!

 
As people stopped along the roadside to stare, the Ambulance finally arrived after what seemed like an eternity. I was strapped to the gurney, feeling rather like a broken rag doll at this point, then lugged up to the roadside for my ride. I was taken to the nearest Red Cross facility in Rosarito, Baja California, Mexico. The assistant nurse did her best to anesthetize me prior to the medic cleaning and stitching me up under my arm. There was a lot of difficulty getting an IV started as Shock had begun to set it. I was finally finished when they wheeled me outside and down the block to the Hospital. The April air felt crisp and I could see the sky blaze orange and reds above me as the day gave way to night. My friend said, "I'm going to make phone calls to get you back across the border ASAP." Thankfully he sustained only a small scratch on his arm and needed no medical attention. He spoke fluent Spanish and English thus serving as a valuable translator.

 Once the Physician on duty reviewed my x-rays he called in an Orthopedic Specialist from Ensenada. He would not release me until he reviewed my case. The ER nurse had placed me in an isolated bed behind drawn curtains and attempted to remove my clothing, bless her heart, because I kept slapping her hands away. As time wore on I began slipping in and out of consciousness, and I could hear people talking and knew when I was being touched and moved but I could not respond. Once the Specialist arrived he reviewed my case and urged, "Get her home, there is nothing I can do for her, and hurry She's going into Shock." 

 
In the meantime, in order to be sure the Hospital would get their money (300.00 US dollars), my friend who had arrived left her car as collateral to secure my release. Had she not agreed to this I'm not sure I'd be alive today. I was loaded into the ambulance and told I was going home. I remember the pain from the bumpy road north to the border town of Tijuana and eventually blackness overcame me. The ambulance doors were opened by the Border Patrol Check and he asked me if I knew who I was, where I was born, if I was a U.S. Citizen, and if I knew what had happened to me. All this before he would allow me to be moved to the other unit and into the United States and home.

He closed the doors and everything faded until cold night air awoke me when wheeled into an ER room in Chula Vista. Asked all kinds of questions, chastised for being in Mexico and told I had nothing to cry about. I was informed I couldn't be treated because I was still a military dependant and I didn't have life threatening injuries, though I was in serious shock. I was sitting in the hallway waiting for x-rays and I kept hearing someone scream. It was getting loud and I glanced around to see who it was. I realized in my searching that I was hearing my own. from within...  

 I was bundled up put in yet another ambulance to be transferred to the Military Hospital. I was glad when the rocking of the unit stopped as the pain was searing and harsh. The early morning air was colder yet! When they opened the doors of the ambulance for the final ride it was nearly 3:00am, 10 hours since the wreck. I was asked more questions in triage and I told the guy he was really getting on my nerves! He just laughed and said, 'Good' I'm doing my job." I learned later he was designated to keep me awake while they reopened, cleaned and sutured my wound as well as closely monitored my level of shock. After treating my open wound they reset my dislocated ankle and began to address the closed fracture of my heel. I will never forget the look of sadness and uncertainty in the attending physicians eyes when I asked him if I was going to lose my foot but I knew the answer, I later did in 2004...

 

Near Death

I was in complete darkness and then, there was a Light all over, in and around me.  I became a part of bright, pure Light that was soothing and warmed me to the core. It was as though the Light and I were one and yet separate, flowing in and out somehow. I felt No pain which amazed me because I was aware my body was badly hurt in the wreck. I thought wait a minute, No pain? how could that be! Can I feel the memory of it? I remembered events, yes, but there was no palpable response to the memory. Where was I?! I looked at my body but there was no form in a physical sense as we know it. I heard a voice rise slowly, faint at first then clear, deep and soothing as it began to resonate within me. Am I hearing it with my ears? No, but the more I hear the voice the calmer I feel and it was nothing like I'd ever heard before... All feelings of fear left me and my thoughts quieted. My spirit was calm and at ease. This was so Great !! I wasn't aware I was dead, nor where I was, I just knew it was painless. That was enough for me. :)  I have no idea what was being said I just know how I felt.

The second time, I 'went' for the Light as it came. I was floating and I could hear and feel the soothing vibration of the voice speaking to me. I felt so unencumbered and weightless in spirit. Yet, as foreign as this seemed to me, I felt safe and secure as never before. Then, I heard No, Not yet, as two hands, one on each side of me, gently pushed me back. I did not want to leave. Please, No! Let me stay!, the response was, "Not yet." That was the last I saw of the 'Light' or heard of the voice. 

When I asked to speak to someone about what I saw I was told that it was the meds, it was because of level of injury and shock, it was all in my head. I was being told what I saw was a lie and made me to feel I was being told I was mentally unstable for what I claimed to have experienced. I became afraid and told no one for a very long time about my experiences. I know with all my being that I was shown something very special, I was blessed to know that I am never alone, nor are any of us and that there is so much more that is greater than we could ever imagine!

What I learned from my Near Death Experiences

 *I'll never be Whole if I believe I'm Less *
*My nearest helping hand is at the end of my own arm *
*I am more than a victim or another statistic *



In three weeks time I became a divorced, disabled, jobless, homeless, single parent.  I didn't know how I was going to care for my daughter, work and provide shelter for us both. It was hard for her to understand what happened, let alone that I may never fully recover, after all she was only 4 at the time. I lost the ability to walk, became fearful of being in crowds, and loud noises startled me. I was rarely sleeping and I couldn't stop the nightmares of seeing the twisted metal and hearing the impact. It's been a test, yet in the lows and darkest of moments there has been deep abiding Hope, and through that I found the will to keep going.

*Forgiveness beings with Me*
I wrote a letter to the woman a year after the wreck. I mailed that letter a full year later and it's never been returned to me. Every piece of mail sent to her before that was returned with, 'Person not at this Address' written on it. Nothing can ever bring back what used to be,  but it was up to me how I chose to live now. As unjust and unbelievably painful as this ordeal is, I'm not willing to let it define who I am or will be. 

Had I died in the wreck, I would not know the joys of life with my husband, received a college diploma, watched my daughter graduate high school, or become a competitive stunt kite flier and now Triathlete swimmer. This and much more would have been lost had I given up.  I've been broken in more ways than I can count and pushed beyond more than I thought I could ever endure. I've had dreams shattered and live to make new ones.

 Odds are 3 in 10 that You will be affected by a drunk driver.
Every 32 minutes a loved one won't be coming home for dinner.
I hope it won't be You !



A Word of Thanks to
 Dr's. M. Botte (a,b), R. Bray, PHd, TFT,
Mary Cowley,TFT,VT, B. Thompson, B Baker, R.W
 and all who assisted me in re building the pieces of myself.
To Linda D. who knew to leave when she put the ice packs on
and encouraged me to keep reaching no matter what I face,
Linda M. & Cindy C. who opened home & heart to us.
Thank You for the Kindness of Strangers !!

My beloved Daughter and Husband.
You're Angels on Earth to me
I can't Thank You, enough ! 

My Phoenix
The most remarkable thing about the Phoenix,
is that periodically - every 500 years or so - this legendary bird bursts into flames, it reduces to ashes, and rises from those ashes newborn. In ancient Greek and Egyptian mythology, this cycle of fiery death and re-birth was associated with the cycle of the sun, which "died" every night, plunging the world into darkness, and was born again the following day. During the middle ages, the Phoenix became a part of Christian symbolism, representing death, resurrection and eternal life, while today it's a common metaphor for triumph over adversity.
Anyone who has overcome defeat or recovered from a terrible calamity is said to have "risen from the ashes". In a somewhat different form, the Phoenix is also a part of Chinese mythology, where for centuries it has been a symbol of power, integrity, loyalty, honesty and justice.