She was drunk, driving on the wrong side of the freeway headed straight at Me in the southbound lanes of the Rosarito Toll Road that late afternoon. Paula Jean Brown was so intoxicated that she had entered the freeway going in the wrong direction. She didn't know what day it was and later bought her way out of jail after paying a fine. She got away with a cut on her nose that fateful afternoon of April 28,1988. I on the other hand, did not.

Oh God, No!!  I cried and in a split second, leaned and yanked the steering wheel as hard as I could to the right. Crumpling metal, glass shattering and squealing tires is what I heard. I became engulfed in indescribable fear as the steering wheel was ripped from my grasp and we careened spinning off the highway. My car finally came to rest in a field along the freeway in a field of weeds. My friend was already out of the car, running to see the condition of person in the other vehicle. I began checking myself for injuries as my head cleared from the initial shock. I remember the impact and the inability to breath as the wind was knocked out of me. I was ripped open and bleeding under the left arm extending across my breast and my feet were in really bad shape as both shoes where knocked off my feet.  I never lost consciousness during the impact. As you can see the drivers side was sheered off where I was seated. I was assisted out of the wreck by my friend, another man who stopped, and his wife who got a blanket to lay me on from their trunk. Bless that couple!!

 
As people stopped along the roadside to stare, the Ambulance finally arrived after what seemed like an eternity. I was strapped to the gurney, feeling rather like a broken rag doll at this point, then lugged up to the roadside for my ride. I was taken to the nearest Red Cross facility in Rosarito, Baja California, Mexico. The assistant nurse did her best to anesthetize me prior to the medic cleaning and stitching me up under my arm. There was a lot of difficulty getting an IV started as Shock had begun to set it. I was finally finished when they wheeled me outside and down the block to the Hospital. The April air felt crisp and I could see the sky blaze orange and reds above me as the day gave way to night. My friend said, "I'm going to make phone calls to get you back across the border ASAP." Thankfully he sustained only a small scratch on his arm and needed no medical attention. He spoke fluent Spanish and English thus serving as a valuable translator.

 Once the Physician on duty reviewed my x-rays he called in an Orthopedic Specialist from Ensenada. He would not release me until he reviewed my case. The ER nurse had placed me in an isolated bed behind drawn curtains and attempted to remove my clothing, bless her heart, because I kept slapping her hands away. As time wore on I began slipping in and out of consciousness, and I could hear people talking and knew when I was being touched and moved but I could not respond. Once the Specialist arrived he reviewed my case and urged, "Get her home, there is nothing I can do for her, and hurry She's going into Shock." 

 
In the meantime, in order to be sure the Hospital would get their money (300.00 US dollars), my friend who had arrived left her car as collateral to secure my release. Had she not agreed to this I'm not sure I'd be alive today. I was loaded into the ambulance and told I was going home. I remember the pain from the bumpy road north to the border town of Tijuana and eventually blackness overcame me. The ambulance doors were opened by the Border Patrol Check and he asked me if I knew who I was, where I was born, if I was a U.S. Citizen, and what had happened to me. All this before he would allow me to be moved to the other unit and then into the United States and home.

He closed the doors and everything faded until cold night air awoke me when wheeled into an ER room in Chula Vista. Asked all kinds of questions, chastised for being in Mexico and told I had nothing to cry about. I was informed I couldn't be treated because I was still a military dependant and I didn't have life threatening injuries, though I was in serious shock. I was sitting in the hallway waiting for x-rays and I kept hearing someone scream. It was getting loud and I glanced around to see who it was. I realized in my searching that I was hearing my own. from within...  

 I was bundled up put in yet another ambulance to be transferred to the Military Hospital. I was glad when the rocking of the unit stopped as the pain was searing and harsh. The early morning air was colder yet! When they opened the doors of the ambulance for the final ride it was nearly 3:30am, 11+ hours since the wreck. I was asked more questions in triage and I told the guy he was really getting on my nerves! He just laughed and said, 'Good' I'm doing my job." I learned later he was designated to keep me awake while they reopened, cleaned and sutured my wound and closely record my level of shock. After treating my open wound they reset my dislocated ankle and began to address the closed fracture of my heel. I will never forget the look of sadness and uncertainty in the attending physicians eyes when I asked him if I was going to lose my foot but I knew the answer, I later did in 2004...

 

Near Death

I was in complete darkness and then, there was a Light all over, in and around me.  I became a part of bright, pure Light that was soothing and warmed me to the core. It was as though the Light and I were one and yet separate, flowing in and out somehow. I was also very aware I was not alone either. I felt No pain which amazed me because I was recalled my body was badly hurt. I thought wait a minute, No pain? how could that be! Can I feel the memory of it? I remembered events, yes, but there was no palpable response to the memory. Where was I?! I looked at my body but there was no form in a physical sense as we know it. I heard a voice rise slowly, faint at first then clear, deep and soothing as it began to resonate within me. Am I hearing it with my ears? No, but the more I hear the voice the calmer I feel and it was nothing like I'd ever heard before... All feelings of fear left me and my thoughts quieted. My spirit was calm and at ease. This was so Great !! I wasn't aware I was dead, nor where I was, I just knew I was painless. That was enough for me. :)  I have no idea what was being said I just know how I felt.

The second time, I 'went' for the Light as it came. I was floating and I could hear and feel the soothing vibration of the voice speaking to me. I felt so unencumbered and weightless in spirit. Yet, as foreign as this seemed, I felt safe and secure as never before. Then, I heard No, Not yet, as two hands, one on each side of me, gently pushed me back. I did not want to leave. Please, No! Let me stay!, the response was, "Not yet." That was the last I saw of the 'Light' or heard of the voice. 

When I asked to speak to someone about what I saw I was told that it was the meds, and because of level of injury and shock, it was all in my head. I was being told what I saw was a lie and that made me to feel I was mentally unstable for what I claimed to have experienced. I became afraid and told no one for a very long time. I know with all my being that I was shown something very special, I was blessed to know that I am never alone, nor are any of us and that there is so much more that is greater than we could ever imagine!

What I learned from my Near Death Experiences

 *I'll never be Whole if I believe I'm Less *
*My nearest helping hand is at the end of my own arm *
*I am not defined by the sum of my parts *



In three weeks time I became a divorced, disabled, jobless, homeless, single parent.  I didn't know how I was going to care for my daughter, work and provide shelter for us both. It was hard for her to understand what happened, let alone that I may never fully recover, after all she was only 4 at the time. I lost the ability to walk, became fearful of being in crowds, and loud noises startled me. I was rarely sleeping and I couldn't stop the nightmares of seeing the twisted metal and hearing the impact. It's been a test, yet in the lows and darkest of moments there has been deep abiding Hope, and through that I found the will to keep going.

*Forgiveness beings with Me*
I wrote a letter to the woman a year after the wreck. I mailed that letter a full year later and it's never been returned to me. Every piece of mail sent to her before that was returned with, 'Person not at this Address' written on it. Nothing can ever bring back what used to be,  but it was up to me how I chose to live now. As unjust and unbelievably painful as this ordeal is, I'm not willing to let it define who I am or will be. 

Had I died in the wreck, I would not know the joys of life with my husband, received a college diploma, watched my daughter graduate high school, become a Nationally ranked stunt kite flier and now Triathlete and LA Marathoner. This and much more would have been lost had I given up.  I've been broken in more ways than I can count and pushed beyond more than I thought I could ever endure. I've had dreams shattered and live to make new ones.

 Odds are 3 in 10 that You will be affected by a drunk driver.
Every 32 minutes a loved one won't be coming home for dinner.
I hope it won't be You ! 

before amputation: Diary entry posted Mon 4:36pm 17 May 2004

busy morning but went very smooth.
Blood work, EKG, pre register, post op meds, and an appointment with Knee specialist and Prosthetician to confer on direction of proceeding with below knee amputation. They could do left ACL at same time. We'll see.

It's starting to feel like a whirl wind with all the final details being worked out. I will also be contacting a local mortician so arrangements can be made for the amputated limb afterwards. I'm not leaving it to science nor letting the hospital dispose of it. Don't ask why but I feel very strongly after all I've been through that I want this for further closure for me. And the amputation isn't it closure, it's just another step really.
eventually, I will either scatter the ashes or be buried with them. But I want that choice and I'm not leaving it to them. This has been a long hard road and for me. This is the path I choose. Eventually, I scattered the ashes upon the ocean.

May 26 10:30am
When the next post is written a new chapter in my life begins

I am HOME and just needed a bit to get my talon under me and up to posting. from my log
The decision was made long ago the date finally arrived and surgery was done. I spent the morning packing for the Hospital and headed for out early to the local beach. My private walk as you have it along the shoreline. (yes, I got pics and will get them posted) I even got my toes wet...lol Said a prayer then jumped in the truck and headed out. It was 7am and a cool overcast morning. Hubby and I talked, joked and laughed the ride down to Scripps Green where we would meet Uncle In Law and Auntie Joan in law. My in laws.. the closest thing anyway, Joan has survived breast cancer 2x and is such dear... Anyway, we hung out in the Palm room for a bit till they called for me and made me put on those horrid gowns. And get this. For the very FIRST time ever, I had to take my earrings out ! Now look, I've been under those surgical sheets but I've never felt more naked!! I had to bend and pouted even ! LOL oh well... I was running late or rather they were in the OR before us. Botte was ready to go.. An hour late they got me settled and on the table. I had no problems with the IV line for the most part. The doc was on the ball and gave me some extra stuff for not only my stomach but to not wake up during surgery which I'm notorious for. We discussed doing a block and opted not to with my lower back risks and he felt could get me deep enough safely that we should have no problems. I took a chance and said OK... I'm not sorry for it either !! Things went GREAT. Hubby said Botte was almost giddy because I had so much healthy tissue to create the flap I would need. That I had almost NO blood loss meaning I didn't need to receive any as well !! The total surgery with casting w/temp leg took 4 hours. I don't remember recovery but that was expected. But once they got me to my room, boy was I awake !! I only got sick 4 times and it didn't last long !!! AMEN !! FINALLY !!! not only that.. I WAS HUNGRY !!!! I was patient and went with some ice and juice but was not going to keep me quiet for long. I slept as much as they let me the first night without problems. Ratty never left my side so if I moved or peeped needing something he was ready and waiting. bless his heart.. The food was, well we wont go there because I packed my own though they worked very hard to get me to order their stuff... Just write it in they said. LOL I did a couple times but ate my own stuff mostly. I was ready to go home by the next day but they had other ideas. in less than 24 hrs after amputation they had me up and walking on my temp leg with moderate weight. Stand up with your weight even between both feet. that is how much I was allowed. Thursday 5/27 first walk 600 ft. , 2nd walk 960 ft. (hubby measured) Friday 5/28 3rd walk w/shoes 1000 ft plus 4 stairs up and down, 4th walk w/shoes 1000 ft plus 4 stairs up and down ! Yes it hurt to a point but could ease off it. The stump is suspended inside the cast and heavily wrapped in bandages. So I am very protected and it was felt with my injury this is the best way and plan for healing for my case. I know it did seem nuts to me and when my hubby told me the Doc told him after surgery Id be conservatively walking in 24 hrs. .. I was like ... lol yeah right sure...
well all I can say is Pictures tell 1000 words !! so check the gallery and see the blessing !!


A Word of Thanks to
 Dr's. M. Botte (a,b), R. Bray, PHd, TFT,
Mary Cowley,TFT,VT, B. Thompson, B Baker, R.W
 and all who assisted me in re building the pieces of myself.
To Linda D. who knew to leave when she put the ice packs on
and encouraged me to keep reaching no matter what I face,
Linda M. & Cindy C. who opened home & heart to us.
Thank You for the Kindness of Strangers !!

My beloved Daughter and Husband.
I can't Thank You, enough ! 

My Phoenix
The most remarkable thing about the Phoenix,
is that periodically - every 500 years or so - this legendary bird bursts into flames, it reduces to ashes, and rises from those ashes newborn. In ancient Greek and Egyptian mythology, this cycle of fiery death and re-birth was associated with the cycle of the sun, which "died" every night, plunging the world into darkness, and was born again the following day. During the middle ages, the Phoenix became a part of Christian symbolism, representing death, resurrection and eternal life, while today it's a common metaphor for triumph over adversity.
Anyone who has overcome defeat or recovered from a terrible calamity is said to have "risen from the ashes". In a somewhat different form, the Phoenix is also a part of Chinese mythology, where for centuries it has been a symbol of power, integrity, loyalty, honesty and justice.